All I want for Christmas is a … clacker candle and sex chair? Hold on to your Santa hats, it’s that time of year again, when Gwyneth Paltrow releases her annual Goop Christmas wish list. It is truly is the guide that keeps giving.
This year, the Goop Gift Guide features a black leather bondage chair, for the modest price of USD $28,500. I kid you not. This complicated-looking curved leather contraption comes with a footstool, which I’m guessing is for something more energetic than putting your feet up and watching Bad Santa. The Tufted Boudoir Chaise, by Kiki de Montparnasse, is described by Goop editors as perfect for the “bedroom, living room, or sex dungeon.” Versatile.
While you utilise the chair in one of those locations, you can light Gwyneth’s famous This Smells Like My Vagina candle, USD $75, to get yourself in the mood. I suppose vagina-scented makes a change from vanilla, which I’ve always found a bit cloying.
Other top Christmas ideas to pop on your letter to Father Christmas, include a logo-emblazoned Gucci dog-poo-bag holder ($420), which I think we all agree is something everybody needs, along with a 10-ounce gold bar which doubles as a paperweight and burglar-magnet. “Prices vary,” it says. If none of those appeal, how about a hair-dye kit for your dog. At last! I’ve been searching for a recommendation for one of those for months and I don’t even have a dog.
I love Gwyneth – she’s such good value, even if her gift guide is not. If she’s not busy steam-cleaning her bits, she’s turning her pooch pink. Clearly the cost of living crisis hasn’t brushed the Goop gang, who still have a budget for all their wellness needs and don’t-needs.
To be fair, many of these products are listed under Goop’s “ridiculous but awesome gift guide” section, which has been getting headlines all over the world for “proudly blurring the line between ridiculous and awesome, since 2015”.
For the rest of us, there is also an under-$100 gift guide which includes more attainable and “sensible” products, such as the bum-shaped Asstray – a “butt for your butts”, get it, ho, ho, hang on … wouldn’t smoking be the number-one health no-no for wellness warriors, even if they were presumably puffing something they’d prepared on their $299 joint-rolling machine from Beed, also listed?
Still, you could always treat yourself to a $74.99 “holiday granola tin,” for the munchies afterwards. How depressing – don’t Goopers ever let themselves go? Imagine being round Gwyneth’s house for Chrimbo and she cracks open the Granola tin after lunch. What a nasty surprise; like a Lemony Snicket version of a box of Celebrations. It’s even worse than discovering there’s nothing left but Bounty Bars.
After you’ve overdone it on rolled oats and sorghum, you can get started on the G.Tox 7-Day Reset Kit, $195 (yes, $195 to starve yourself!) also recommended, with a sneaky side swig of Goop Wellness Gut Microbiome Superpowder, $58. That’s a little treat everyone hopes to find in the bottom of their Christmas stocking. Or bin bag, one of the two.
